Counterwill // Consistency, community, calendars, and content // ADHD
This post is based off of chapters 20 and 21 of 📕 Scattered Minds: The Origins and Healing of ADD.
While the book itself (i.e., Scattered Minds) is about ADHD (and very useful if that applies to you or someone you parent or partner with), I want to highlight a more universal concept: counterwill.
“Counterwill” is an automatic resistance/backlash to the feeling of being controlled. It manifests as the impulsive and automatic “no” to receiving a suggestion (“you’re not my boss,” “I don’t have to,” “no I won’t”).
Consider a child who refuses to put on a coat, even knowing full-well that he will cold, simply because he was asked to put on a coat. That’s counterwill.
Counterwill serves a crucial purpose in the development of children: by using an automatic “no-to-everything” to defend themselves against external influence, they are able to begin defining their own identities by selectively saying “yes” to certain things, on their own terms.
Counterwill continues throughout the teenage years while young people are still figuring out their identities. That’s fine, fair, and healthy.
Most adults outgrow counterwill once they find their own identity as healthy individuals. However, it resurfaces in everyone during the moments when executive function is diminished (i.e., during times of high stress/fatigue/overwhelm). And for many folks with ADHD (who have persistently weakened executive function), it is almost always there.
Anyway, I’ve come to see my recent unhappiness regarding my calendar squeeze through this lens. Basically, the recurring calendar commitments end up feeling like an external authority figure, telling me that I “should” or “must” do something, which triggers counterwill. I can fight through it for a while, but that increases my stress, which reduces my executive function, which leads to some unhappy mixture of burnout, burned relationships, and broken businesses. Not ideal.
The solution to a counterwill impasse is annoyingly simple: restore autonomy.
Let the kid choose: let them leave their room a mess; let them skip dinner. Let yourself choose: cancel some events; don’t check your email; stop work early; hell, don’t even go to work. And, importantly, accept the consequences. Because it’s always a choice.
From my recent experiences, I think you need to do more than just “think about” or “decide” it – I think you need to actually go through the motions: flex the “no” muscle; choose to drop some balls; leave the room a mess. (I was once in such a state that I ended up letting my house get repossessed, which was still the better of the two options.)
So regarding the day-to-day of building businesses, the big thesis is that recurring calendar obligations have the potential to trigger a grinding and inescapable sense of counterwill. (And “recurring calendar obligations” includes so many important activities: building an audience, building a community, answering email, and everything else about showing up and stasying consistent.)
Anyway, this line of thinking helped me to get unstuck. (And to summarize/reiterate, the solution is to restore our sense of autonomy, which we do by saying “no” to everything until we feel ready to start selectively saying “yes” to the bits that excite us. Yes, there will be consquences, possibly severe. Make your own decision. But those consequences are very possibly less bad than what you’re already doing to yourself.)
Comments (7)
I am quite sure I don’t have ADHD (or ADD since the book Scattered Minds is abt ADD)
I even consulted a licensed medical doctor dealing with mental health who told me usually diagnosed in childhood (I’m 40 already) and I did pretty ok in school when young so unlikely it appears.
But your description of counter will vis a vis when things don’t go well calendar wise and when things go well you pile on **sounds sooooo much** like me.
I have also begun to let go since end of last year by acting “wilfully” like a child and it has worked … surprisingly well. Not perfect but I don’t feel as much counterwill.
Now I’m wondering whether I have ADHD as well. 🤷🏻♂️
One of the tricky things about diagnosing and dealing with ADHD is that it isn't exactly something that you "have". Instead, it's a name for a cluster of things that you're partially "missing."
Basically, a bunch of executive functions (i.e., normal adult brain stuff) is supposed to develop gradually from infancy onward. In some cases, the development of some pieces of that get either delayed or stopped. When there's enough of that going on for it to negatively affect day-to-day life, it gets labelled ADHD/ADD. (Although with the caveat that there's a ton of disagreement over the details and definitions above.)
Which means that everyone occasionally feels the ADHD symptoms at certain times, especially when tired/stressed/overwhelmed. But for some people, that happens constantly enough that they decide to deal with it more directly, in which case the label is a helpful shorthand. Hopefully that makes semi-sense ;)
I like your explanation on this.
I’m not inclined to pathologize everything but at the same time I cannot ignore some of the similarities or dismiss as pure coincidence.
Your semi sense probably makes the best sense :)
I always feel ridiculous when I catch myself refusing to follow the plans I've made myself. Usually, this is the result of too much scheduling and arbitrary deadlines. One strategy I use to avoid the problem is to NOT put anything in my calendar that isn't an appointment. I do have a lot on my plate, but very few tasks need to happen on a specific day. Over the course of a week it does not matter on which day I work on my next photobook, create a presentation, send an invoice, read a paper and so on. As long as things get done, I'm fine. By giving myself a range of tasks to choose from I make my novelty-seeking brain happy, get overall progress, but don't feel like I'm stuck in a rigid routine.
oh my gosh
Everything you wrote here sounds like me as well, except for the strategy is different in my case
Everything else is so me. Have I accidentally found my tribe?
I think it's natural for people who dislike routine and being told what to do (aka having a strong need for autonomy) to congegrate on a blog related to self-employment. If you don't want to be bossed around, you have to do the bossing yourself.
In regards to ADD, I don't think I have it. I tick some of the boxes (novelty-seeking, hyperfocus, the inability to keep my mouth shut), but not to the point of these being a problem. Remember, time blindness, disorganization and forgetfulness are other aspects of it and cause serious problems for some people.
once again I see myself in what you say here
And, I agree with your hypothesis that finding resonance with what you write may have been a self selection bias
On a selfish note, your choice of using the word autonomy unprompted is a good sign for me. Ha!